Through the years I have had several friends who have struggled with infertility. They have even been in my presence when others have joked about my fertility when things like, ‘I bet you get pregnant just by looking at each other’ or ‘you know what causes that don’t you’ or ‘your baby is 3 months old, time for another one.’ I nervously laugh at these jokes, but also cringe because I know that my friend probably feels like someone is pouring salt on an open wound.

We have had eight healthy children and zero miscarriages. We realize that this is a huge blessing and realize even more how rare this scenario is. I wish I could tell my friends who are struggling what our secret is. I have read that the majority of women have had atleast one miscarriage. You are more normal than abnormal if you have struggled in this area.

This has been a topic that I have struggled with over the years because so many times a friend will say, “maybe we will be pregnant at the same time!” and I say, “yeah, how fun would that be?!” And then I become pregnant and have my baby while my friend is still dreaming of becoming a mom. In the past I have had a lack for words during these situations, but recently I have asked a few friends about this- some who have struggled and then ended up having a baby and others who are still trying. Here is what they said:

Sometimes words are not necessary

A listening ear and a hug is really all that is needed when a friend is struggling to become pregnant. They just want someone to talk to and vent to and may not want advice or suggestions. A big hug or a shoulder to cry on may be the best therapy that they could ask for. There really are no words sometimes and when it comes to infertility it is very difficult to know what to say and how to say it and more often than not words are not even necessary to support a friend!

Don’t give advice- they will ask if they want it

If a friend who is struggling to become pregnant wants your opinion they will ask you for it. It is not necessary to go to them and say, “have you thought of this…, have you tried this option…., did you know that this is an option…, etc…” More than likely they know all these things and they have thought of every possible scenario in the wee hours of the night when they are not sleeping because this struggle is on their mind.

You may say, “I am here for you if you ever want to talk.” This opens the door for them to come to you when they need advice or want your suggestion. Going to them with a list of things that you think they should be considering may have the opposite effect that you were intending- they may run from you and not come to you when they need to talk.

Be encouraging

After your friend pours all their worries and fears to you and asks what you think they should do be encouraging. Be positive and upbeat. They do not want more negativity. More than likely they have enough negative thoughts and stress running through their head. Tell them that you believe this will happen for them and remind them that there are so many options nowdays. Tell them to stay positive and remind them you are always there for them. This will go a long way and will leave them feeling optimistic.

DO NOT say these things

On the flip side of this topic there are things not to say. When I was visiting with a few friends about this I could not believe people actually say this stuff, but they do!

Here are a few things NOT to say to a friend struggling with infertility: “Whose fault is it that you can’t get pregnant?” “Be grateful, pregnancy is terrible.” “You are young and have plenty of time” “Why aren’t you trying IVF yet?” “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.” “You could always adopt.”

This is such a challenging and difficult topic when you are not struggling with infertility, but more than likely your friend who is having a hard time is still happy for you when you become pregnant. True friends are there for the good times and the bad times and they will cheer you on even if they are hurting as will you when you see them hold your new baby and you hurt just as deeply for them.

Lend a listening ear and hug them tight and let them know you are 100% here for them cheering them on throughout their journey.

Until next time,